When I was a kid I never really got Paul’s rant in Romans 7. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I would read and re-read this passage and instead of being encouraged by it, I would get confused.

As an adult, I completely understand what Paul was saying. He talked about the internal and external struggle of one who follows after Jesus. He was bringing to light the fact that there are times where he blatantly acts in a way that is against God’s best. He addressed the fact that there are times where he does what he does not want to do.

The moments when I knowingly do what I don’t want to do, kill me. I understand that we all make choices that go against God’s best, but those choices really attack my spirit.

This morning I read out of 1 Timothy 6, But you, person of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

These words reflect the attitude of my heart. If only my actions would match it all the time…..

So today I choose to trust that He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world. I choose to trust that forgiveness is given. I choose to trust I am more than the sum of my choices. I choose to believe that the true attitude of my heart seeks Him and His way. And I will walk to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love endurance and gentleness.

How do you handle the choices you make? What does forgiveness look like in your own life’s journey? Do you hold onto shame more than you hold on to grace?

This unmet longing has pushed me and has kept me thinking that there is something more. Something I’m missing.

I have been reading a book with several people lately. The premise of the book, in so many words, is about finding your heart and living from it. I’ve also started watching a show on TV called Once Upon A Time, at the prompting of a friend. The show’s premise is that there are all of these characters from story books who had a spell cast on them so that they no longer remember who they are. These characters go through life in a memoryless, hopeless existence. A young woman ends up in the town where these once fairytale characters live and she is told that it is her job to help people remember who they were meant to be, that they were meant for more than this.

As I’ve searched for home I’ve realized that this longing is really a longing for Kingdom. I want to live in the Kingdom of Heaven. I want to see love reign and people whole. I long for community that truly is self-sacrificing and that gives out of selflessness. I want the complete Shalom of Jesus to reign… and I will not find that this side of heaven in completion. I long for heaven. I long for Kingdom … my longing and discontentment with place has more to do with the fact that I am feeling alien. I feel like a stranger who doesn’t quite fit. I feel like a once storybook character misplaced, looking for the life that is more than what I’ve been living.

Home.

It is where the heart is. Literally. And my heart is in heaven, my heart is with Jesus. I desire to see His Kingdom come on earth and be a part of seeing Kingdom lived in such a way that glimpses of Kingdom, the aroma of Kingdom, the ideals of Kingdom are being seeing, felt and realized.

Home. I want to be home. I want to make this place like home. I want to work alongside others who also desire to live in a way that the Kingdom of God is made tangible to all those with whom we come in contact.

Take some time to think about what you long for? What is the deeper longing? Find someone to live and dream with and see His Kingdom Come and Will be done on earth! as it is in heaven.

The incident lasted at most five minutes, but it has stayed with me.

How did accidents and messes become a means for shame and embarrassment? She was a child and her hands don’t do what adult hands can do. She didn’t do something malicious or remotely sinful, but the shame was thick in the exchange.

I realized something as I watched. The mother’s response was not in response to bad behavior, rather it was that she was embarrassed. Her daughter spilling a drink brought shame upon her as she didn’t want others to be inconvenienced, to judge her, or to even notice that an accident had happened. The mom, took ownership of the child’s behavior and because her daughter spilled something, it could potentially not bode well for her.

As I sat reflecting on this experience I was reminded how we make things that are not about us, about us.  I was reminded that we expect perfection from others. I was reminded that acccidents produce shame because we expect perfection. We expect people to be able to handle life without failures, mess ups or woopsie daisies. We expect that of our selves.

Where is there room for grace?

Life is full of mistakes, made not out of malicious intent, but rather, sometimes our hands aren’t able to do the most common task. Sometimes our knowledge isn’t as great as needed. Sometimes our abilities just don’t match the task given. It is in this space where we must receive grace. Grace will meet us in our imperfection and allow us to be the incomplete people we are. Humans were made to be interdependent, we were not made with every gift on purpose. We were made to need each other. We were made to grow and to learn with age…. this is a beautiful thing.

So the next time, you have an accident, make a mistake or see one made around you, give grace. Get out of your seat, pick up a mop and meet the person or yourself with a smile, warmth and give the gift that will take an accident and turn it into beauty, grace, learning and life. You’ll be so so glad you did.

As we talked, I would feel a little nudge to look in a particular part of the sky. Each time, I turned my head and stared at the sky. The stars shown so brightly and the wind, a soft presence reminding me of Holy Spirit and his constant presence, like air we breathe, blew across my face. As I’d face in the direction prompted, I’d look to the sky and within a short period of time I’d see a falling star.

I have a thing for falling stars. They are like a shinny gift from Jesus. A reminder that he loves me and that all of creation sings His glory. Five times I was prompted. Five times I turned. Five times I waited and watched. Five times I was met with a falling star.

The last star was seen just before the clock turned to 12:00, greeting my birthday.

The conversation. The cool breeze. The company. The times praying. The tears. The reminder that God is bigger than those things that kill, steal and destroy and the falling stars were a perfect way to enter into this day.

I am so thankful to have a God who loves me so deeply that He gives me gifts.

This year, not only did Jesus give me shooting stars, He gave me my heart.

If you’ve been reading my blog for the past month you know that I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt lost. I’ve felt as though I had no idea what I wanted out of life and I was broken. In the past week, I was given my heart back.

Ezekial 36:26 says  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

He will give me a new heart, removing from me a heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. This is the gift I was given this year and I am so thankful.

Today, I celebrate my Jesus. He is good and he has invited me into the goodness of the land of the living and I am new.

Amen

A prayer for you… (personalized psalm 27)

The LORD is your light and your salvation—
whom shall you fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of your life—
of whom shall you be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against you
to devour you,
it is your enemies and your foes
who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege you,
your heart will not fear;
though war break out against you,
even then you will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek, for you
that you may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of your life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep you safe in his dwelling;
he will hide you in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set you high upon a rock.

⁶ Then your head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround you;
at his sacred tent you will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
You will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear our voices when we calls, LORD;
be merciful to her and answer us.
⁸ Her heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, She will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from us,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been her helper.
Do not reject us or forsake us,
God your Savior.
¹⁰ Though your father and mother forsake you,
the LORD will receive you.
¹¹ Teach us your way, LORD;
lead us in a straight path
because of her oppressors.
¹² Do not turn us over to the desire of our foes,
for false witnesses rise up against us,
spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ Remain confident of this:
YOU will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

I called some friends who are like family and immediately they sprung into action. They hopped in their car, rented a trailer, to tow my car and began the drive. I passed the hours sitting in the Peach Tree Restaurant off the 5 freeway in California. I talked on the phone, recanting the story of the breakdown, looking for solace among friends and family.

I was struck by one phone call. My friend answered, I told the story and his immediate response was, “what can I do about it, I’m 3 hours away?” Funny thing is, I didn’t ask him for help, I just told the story. But his response stuck with me. I can’t help, that’s too much to ask of anyone, was his point. Meanwhile, I had friends who were already on their way whom I had not asked to come to my rescue.

I will never forget their kindness. I will never forget their generosity as they not only took my car away, they gave me their family van to use until my car was fixed. I will never   grow weary of telling that story. I feel loved simply typing the words tonight.

I will also never forget the response of my other friend. He thought like so many of us do.  His response seemed in some ways, expected and normal, but it didn’t make me feel loved or valued in any way. Today i got a call from some friends who had the unfortunate circumstance of their car breaking down. They were about 4 hours out of Denver. I didn’t hesitate at all. The model had been set for me, not only by my friends who hopped in their car to come to my aid, but more importantly, Jesus modeled these things.

If Jesus was worrying about being inconvenienced, he would have never come to earth and most certainly he wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of dying for our salvation. Our need is great and he went a lot further than four hours to meet it. He gave his very life.

We are all in need. Every single one of us. Need was actually crafted into us. We were made for each other, we were made to not be self sufficient. We then failed and our need became so great that only one thing would meet it. And that need was met.

So next time you worry about being needy or the next time someone asks you for help, I encourage you to remember we all have need and be thankful that someone trusts you enough to ask for help.

That was a good moment. We then began to reminisce about Thanksgivings past and why it is our favorite holiday. For both of us, I believe it was because the day was always about hospitality. It was a day of welcome, friendship, food, relaxation and communion.

Here are my top ten Thanksgiving memories.

10. Pie eating contest with the niece and nephews

9. Waking up to homemade cinnamon rolls and the smell of turkey

8. Being surrounded by people who became family

7. Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s with most of my family two years ago. Watching a 91 year old sing Karaoke should always make the top 10.

6. Being in my pajamas watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

5. Learning to host from a mom who can cook and serve and give through hospitality in amazing ways

4. Making apple crips with Cathryn

3. Molding uncooked stuffing late at night with my mom and sisters. Cooking at night can lead to a lot of laughter and slightly inappropriate food preparation.

2. My dad gathering everyone together to sing the Doxology

1. Being around a table, breaking bread and fellowshiping. Remembering good and sharing the things for which we’re thankful, in all circumstances.

What are your favorite Thanksgiving memories? How can you make this Thanksgiving a day of gratitude, instead of a day of grumbling? What special ideas do you have to make the day special?

I was praised for my ability to hold on to so many things and to keep it together. I somehow managed my relationships with a fierce loyalty that led me to a, “I can do all things all the time and never loose a person even when I move,” mentality.

I was so confident in who I was and what I was able to do that I kept adding and adding and adding, until I recently looked at a picture of me and no longer saw me. Who had I become?

I recently met with a man in Colorado. He listened to me share about my work and his facial expressions showed nothing other than confusion, exhaustion and question. I was completely unraveled. I had wanted to please him. I was sure that he, like many others would celebrate my many involvements and large network of friends and associates and celebrate all that God was doing through me. Instead I received honest questions and my usual charm and way with people did not impress him.

I left defeated and intrigued. Was he right? Did I really not know what I was doing? Had I given myself away to everything, therefore giving myself to very little? Where had I gone? My clear sense of direction & purpose were challenged.

One of the downsides of doing everything for everyone is that one gets lost and I, I got lost. I was lost and didn’t even know it. It took a man, an honest question and a picture to reveal to me I wasn’t as aware of self as once thought. I’ve recently been found, but it’s been a very difficult, painful process. I have had to loose everything, to gain. I’ve had to be stripped of everything that once tethered me outside of Jesus, to grow new roots in Him. This month I’ve focused mostly on the loss and am excited to say that I sense a newness in me, feeling the redemptive hand of Jesus in my life.

Have you ever been lost in an attempt to help others be found? Who are the people you don’t impress who can speak truth and life into you?

So for a last minute blog post….

It’s my birthday on Monday and I will be turning 37. I really like birthdays. There is something special about the day someone entered the world. I love to celebrate people. I love to make a big deal and I love to speak life and truth over them.

How do you celebrate birthdays? Do you celebrate those you love, reminding them you’re so glad that they exist and give them some reasons as to why?

I think this year I’m going to attempt to celebrate people like it’s their birthday every day. Shouldn’t we? Shouldn’t we treat people as though we’re so glad that they were born every day?

Now I ramble, but truthfully… today, take a moment to love someone with words, actions, cards, gifts, and time. Let someone know you remember them. Do something just because. And celebrate someone because they exist.

It’ll do you both some good.

Privates.

It’s a concept that we’re aware of and frankly it is very appropriate when it comes to people keeping their dresses down, legs crossed and pants on.

Private.

But when it comes to our personhood, I think we’ve forgotten that just as in marriage, the body is meant to be seen in relationship. For the relationship to grow, one must become naked and unashamed emotionally, spiritually and most any other “ly” of which one can think.

I have been an actual mess the past few weeks. I usually pride myself in being self aware and having my stuff together, but not recently. I’ve been a disaster. I am also one who many people come to with their life issues, exposing their deepest fears, secrets and dreams to me. I am to be wise. I am to listen, and respond with prayer, care and insight, that is hopefully helpful to the given situation. So this whole being a disaster thing hasn’t been so great.

I’ve felt exposed, exposed as a person who doesn’t have it all together. “How can Cari have wisdom for me if she can’t get herself together?” I’ve assumed people would think if they encountered me in this condition. I do not like to be exposed!

Or so I thought.

Privacy has become something we’ve used, I’ve used, to keep people from seeing that I’m a mess, that we’re a mess. I’ve chosen, to keep close my mess so that people will continue to come to me for wisdom or insight or whatever. I didn’t realize that I had been doing this until recently. It’s been in being a mess and meeting others there, that I’ve realized that in my mess and imperfection I’m growing in wisdom. I’m actually becoming wise by being foolish. I am actually growing to understand deep things of God and His love for us, as I question His love for me.

There is need for privacy. To expose our deepest issues, fears, disappointments, and history to the whole world isn’t wise, but there must come a time to be naked and unashamed, admitting when wrong, tired, broken, messy and such. It’s been in my mess that I’ve actually been able to meet others in theirs.

Yes, being naked is risky, it’s painful, there’s a lot of pride that just goes out the window, but when one sees you naked and doesn’t run away…. there is freedom and there is profound love.

I’m learning to be loved naked, exposed and imperfect and I must admit it feels kinda good.