I don’t always trust that God has AMAZING for me. I know that He has good. But when I listen to stories of friends and strangers who God answers these outrageous prayers or when they tell God the things on their heart and see everything come to fruition, I can at times feel second.
I put others before me and believe AMAZING for them, but not myself.
The funny thing is, I’m not a self loathing person. Although the last few posts I’ve felt quite self focused and very pouty, I know I’m loved, valued, and confident. I truly have seen such great things and have experienced first hand, miracles of Jesus.
But this seems different.
When I was in the 6th grade I auditioned for a church musical. The musical director called and asked what part I wanted and I told her, but I also said, “I will be happy to have anything.” She said to me, “thank you… I really think you’d do best in one of the larger roles, but I’m afraid that the others might get their feelings hurt, so thanks for offering to take a secondary role to serve.” I got off the phone and was so sad that I didn’t get the part. But I served and was praised for accepting second.
I sometimes think that is how God is with me. He gives me something a little less than, because I can handle it.
What I’ve come to realize is that God gives me less than what I want, because 1. I don’t know what I want and 2. I’m too afraid to ask for it, because it is vulnerable and I don’t really believe He wants it for me. Because I am afraid of disappointment, I shrink back and ignore Amazing and settle for decent or standard.
I’m not going to settle any longer. I serve an amazing God, who wants to give His children good gifts. He designed us for good works. He wants us to trust that He has not only what is good, but what is Amazing. If we ask Him for bread, does He give us a stone? NO!
So I pray tonight with confidence that God loves me, desires the very best for me and that I must believe. I must trust. I most place my hope in Him and His character and watch as He unfolds His plan, Places His wants on my heart and Leads me to Him in all things.