I choose to do what I don’t want to do

I sometimes make choices that I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, right even in the moment of making the choice I clearly know that my actions or decisions are not what is best or what is honoring. I hate that about myself. I know the good I’m to do and don’t or I just choose to do the thing I don’t want to do.

When I was a kid I never really got Paul’s rant in Romans 7. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I would read and re-read this passage and instead of being encouraged by it, I would get confused.

As an adult, I completely understand what Paul was saying. He talked about the internal and external struggle of one who follows after Jesus. He was bringing to light the fact that there are times where he blatantly acts in a way that is against God’s best. He addressed the fact that there are times where he does what he does not want to do.

The moments when I knowingly do what I don’t want to do, kill me. I understand that we all make choices that go against God’s best, but those choices really attack my spirit.

This morning I read out of 1 Timothy 6, But you, person of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

These words reflect the attitude of my heart. If only my actions would match it all the time…..

So today I choose to trust that He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world. I choose to trust that forgiveness is given. I choose to trust I am more than the sum of my choices. I choose to believe that the true attitude of my heart seeks Him and His way. And I will walk to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love endurance and gentleness.

How do you handle the choices you make? What does forgiveness look like in your own life’s journey? Do you hold onto shame more than you hold on to grace?

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