I decided to give up sugar and white starches for the season. The idea of dying to self, means I desire to that which I crave in my flesh and I crave sugar. I also decided to replace this craving with something that gives life, juice. I’ve started juicing daily and am amazed at the benefit. It feels like I’m drinking life when I taste each juice I make.
To be honest I feel disconnected from this practice this year. I feel as though I’m jumping through a hoop that will simply be a way to rid my body of impurities for a season of time. But entering into Christ’s death? Am I really experiencing that reality?
The most honest answer is, “I don’t know.”
Every year around this season I have a desire to connect with Jesus in a deep and profound way. I want so badly to know His spirit and presence. I want to experience His love and grace. I want to live in the shadow of Christ’s death so that I can live in the light of His resurrected life.
Easter is not a simple holiday for me. Though my family celebrated with certain rituals and foods, it is not those that bring me into the truth of Easter. I long to live in Easter every day. I long to have my heart connect with the life of Christ. To have my entire life, mind, body, spirit and soul to breathe in the very life of Christ and breathe out the darkness that seeks to suffocate life on a daily basis.
I desire Lent to prepare me for Easter. To set aside time this season to truly connect with the death of Jesus so that I may truly live out of His life.
My mind wonders.
The truth is, I want Jesus. I want to live like Jesus. I want to know him intimately. I want to know His grace. Walk in His presence. Feel the depth of experience with Him. I want Jesus.
I want Jesus to invade every corner of my heart. I want my mind to be settled. I want my cravings to be holy and the desires of my life to be one with the desires of Jesus. I want Jesus in me. I want to live out of the reality of Jesus. I want Jesus to be seen in me. I want Jesus to speak and I want to hear Him. I want Jesus. I want Jesus to hold me in perfect unity with himself. I want Jesus to breathe life into my every part. I want Jesus.
This Lent, I’ve given up that which I crave… maybe it’s just a ritual at this point, but my prayer is that I will die to self and live in Jesus. And, I think I may be inching my way closer. For I see a disconnect and the sight prompts me to pray. Jesus, I want you. Please draw me close. Close any gap. Fill any craving. Lead me closer to your heart. Lead me in your path. Guide me in your truth. Let me sit in the truth of your love.