I had no idea what to give up for Lent. Everything seemed to have an ulterior motive. It felt as though I would be participating in a spiritual practice for a selfish outcome, rather than to identify with the death of Christ and the deprivation and life that live in this season. Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, I spent some time in prayer asking Jesus to show me what I should give up and what I should add.
As I prayed a word continued to come to mind. It was a strange word in this context, but it kept coming to mind so I leaned into it.
The word was pretending.
The invitation: Cari, give up pretending for Lent.
I thought about it for a bit. I wrestled, as I don’t’ believe I’m one who pretends on a regular basis. I like to think I’m fairly vulnerable and authentic. But this word continued to haunt me. I asked the Lord to show me where I pretend, soon scenes and relationships began to play in the movie of my mind. I felt the loving and kind conviction of the Spirit and decided to make an agreement with it. I would give up pretending for Lent.
I decided that as I gave up pretending I would add direct honesty and vulnerability.
Therefore, I die to the selfish pride, which keeps me comfortable and I add words of vulnerability, that invite me into the unknown and the seen. One practice I felt led to do, as I seek to be vulnerable is to speak my truth for 40 days on my blog. So, you all, those who have chosen to enter the journey of my blogging world, now are invited into my truth.
This truth may seem silly or at times very heart wrenching. I do not know how this will take shape. But, I do know that I will choose to speak the truth I feel led to share and by doing so I will die to the selfish pride that keeps me from uncovering my truth. My hope is that as I die to self I will identify with Christ and will know a bit more of what it is like to be naked and unashamed.
Today my truth is:
I hate forms. I hate forms of any kind. I feel inadequate when I read them and I get overwhelmed by filling in the blanks. Somehow my brain doesn’t process information well when I read forms. It seems silly to me. How can filling in blanks be difficult for anyone? And for crying out loud, I have my Master’s Degree… should I be proficient at filling in blanks?
Because of this, I procrastinate with anything involving a form. I like to be good at things and so choosing to enter in to something at which I feel inadequate seems a bit ridiculous and vulnerable.
I am currently avoiding forms that involve healthcare and taxes. I feel guilty because of it. The chain reaction of procrastination is not positive. I feel unorganized and that pushes an emotional button for me as well. Not to mention the fact that I get behind on things that are important.
I think it’s silly that something as easy as filling in blanks can cause so much consternation.
Today, this is my moment of honesty.