I am sitting in a Panera in Colorado Springs. I just finished lunch with a new friend and am waiting to move on to my next event. Every Panera smells the same. It’s like Subway. Even when I traveled in Europe, I could tell when a Subway was near by for the scent was the exact same. Panera feels the same. I actually am not a big fan of Panera. The carpet, heavy soups, breads and sandwiches usually leave me feeling like I ate a pile of bricks. I am uninspired as I sit.
I am playing secrets through my mind like reel to reel movies. I do not know about which one I should write. I don’t know about which I am willing to write. I see the 15 on the days of truth telling and realize I’m not even half way through the Lenten season and the thought of coming up with something new to say or a truth to uncover and I feel a fight within me. There are stories to tell, but are they for this context? Are they okay for the world to know? What will people think? Are they profound enough? Safe enough? Risky enough?
I am still uninspired. Panera is not like Steam, the coffee shop I wrote about earlier in this series. I am never uninspired while sitting there.
I am very influenced by my environment. And currently, I do not have my own environment. Since moving to Colorado I have had to live in my parent’s basement. They have been generous to allow me to live there, but the reality of being nearly 40 and living in the basement, in a room with Waverly wall paper and blue carpet, has quite effected me. I long to set up my own home. I long to have a space to call my own. I actually get teary when I think about the ending of this housesitting job and the potential is there that I may have to unload my closet into the basement once again. And, in honesty it may not be an option for me any longer. In two weeks I will move, but I do not know to where or how.
For me to function well as a human, I need my own space to create, decorate and invite others into. I want to see lives transformed as people gather around tables and in living rooms. I want to hear the stories of others, get to know neighbors and host holidays. There have been a few circumstances in my life that have kept me from creating a home in the past two and a half years, that reality is catching up with me and I feel the reality of my situation with ever increasing angst.
Jesus didn’t have a home, among certain friends they encourage me with that fact. They remind me that my lack of home has afforded me the ability to be present and serve in many places. I am reminded by others that it’s irresponsible for me to continue a work that often doesn’t provide to the American standards. I wrestle with this. Still others celebrate my faithfulness and others think if I were faithful God would provide differently. Everyone has an opinion when difficulty is present.
The truth is, I know Jesus. I do. I know His voice. I know what obedience to His way is like and I know when I am walking with Him. My journey has not matched and American ethic. It hasn’t in some ways looked responsible. But, it has been a journey of dependence, transformation and incredible and increasing faith. God invited me on this journey and I have been, for the most part, a willing participant. He has kept me on the edge in life. And He provides and heals and sustains in miraculous ways. These stories have served as encouragements to others in their own walks with the Lord and my obedience has led to others knowing God’s faithfulness. For these reasons I am thankful.
For many other reasons I am thankful.
I do not know how God will provide and I do not know where I will live after April 6, but I do know that God’s name is Jehovah Jireh, The God who Provides. And, God, does not act in a way contrary to His name. So, yes, I will write a truth about housing again and I will tell a great story of God’s goodness and mercy and provision. I look forward to writing that one. I look forward to knowing what it is that I will get to write.
In your life, where do question the faithfulness of God? Where is there impossibility that you simply can’t imagine your way out of? Those are sacred places and in these places you will see God! May your belief increase and your faith deepen.