Grief comes and goes like the waves kissing the shore and pulling back. Sometimes the waves crash. Other times, the waves creep and gently linger. Other times the tide is out and the felt grief goes to the deep and other times the grief takes to surface places where it feels as if I step in, I can quickly step out. It feels constant. It feels painful. It feels, like the waves, a mix of scary, powerful, gentle, inviting, terrifying, deep, shallow, playful, life threatening and a catalyst for joy.
One can either fight grief, like fighting a wave or one can surrender to the grief as if diving into a wave.
Allow me to be candid. My life, at present, is full of grief and instead of fighting it, I’ve decided to dive into the wave of grief which is crashing into the shore of my life. The last three years have been filled with disappointment, entering into deep pain with others, felt crisis after crisis, dreams that have died, significant loss, loss in relationship, and the constant need to be useful and it has all caught up with me. I am full of grief.
The grief is an invitation to feel loss, to uncover places where I’ve not been forgiving and to taste the promises that are unfulfilled. Feeling grief takes me to the most human place, a place where I actually feel my humanity, instead of pass my humanity off as an annoyance or place of immaturity.
Grief is a place of learning. I do not know how to be in grief. Though my life has been knocked by the wave of death, I have resisted diving into its pain. I am learning to feel grief, to surrender to its pain and to ride the wave to the deep.
The ride feels important. The ride feels freeing. The ride feels scary. The ride feels breathtakingly horrific and simultaneously breathtakingly beautiful.
Grief I have stepped into your home.
I feel the dark and the joy that live within your walls.
I feel alone and I feels arms of compassion surround me.
I feel you take my breath away with your pain and I feel you breathe on me with your beauty.
Grief I recognize you
for what you are,
and I choose to surrender to you.
I choose to not run away from the valley of the shadow of death,
but instead –
I choose to walk into the valley.
I am not afraid of the darkness there, nor do I fear the enemy that lurks within.
I am accompanied by my Father who is a very good King.
He is with me as my protector, my help, my footing, my source.
He, my Father, is a with presence that stands by my side as I face death’s sting.
Oh, dear Grief, you are my friend and your darkness evaporates as I step into you with the Light of my Father.
Grief, you are not the enemy, but the enemy hides within you.
I do not fear you.
I will not be permanently held within your strong flow.
I will wash ashore.
I will step into a new room.
I will move through you.
You, are the recognition of the pain of disconnect from life.
And, when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, the grief that greets me there,
is a friend who accompanies me and Father.
He too, knows grief.
Grief, you are not the enemy.
You are the feeling the comes because there is an enemy.
Grief, you are a flavor of humanity.
You are tasted because I am human.
Grief, thank you for being the wave that carries me to the shore and washes over me with playful power.
Grief, my friend, I will walk with you and I will play with you until your song is no longer the loudest melody in my heart.