Be who you are: What I learned from 20 minutes in the woods

Recently I attended a writer’s workshop. In one class I was instructed to take a pen and paper and record what I observed as I was sent into the woods. The following came of my time in the redwoods.

The water rushes down the embankment, swift as it dives, dances, splashes and crashes against the rocks and tree stumps which form something like a beaver damn.

I don’t see water trying to rush up – it goes only in one direction: clean, fluid, rhythmic music – soft, yet the sound fills the blank canvas space of the air.  I’m silenced

The green fern below stretches out from the ground. Its leaves spread, creating a romantic umbrella for the earth below. I want the soft covering of the fern. It’s simple, elegant, understated and dances gently as the breeze catches its branches as if to ask if its dance card were full.

The moss clings to the trees and rocks with ease. It creeps up the side of the trees where it avoids the sun. It lives only on that which is still. Moss does not grow where there is movement. The blanket of green is inviting. It’s not restless trying to hop from here to there. It’s home. It knows it’s home and by its color it seems very happy to be there.  Moss thrives at home.

Ivy, ground cover, clover and poison oak cover the bed of the hills. They too know their place. They too know their purpose. They too are vibrant and filled with life. I do not see them stretching to become a tree, nor do I see them taking leaps, hoping they too can tumble and splash like the water. They are alive ant they know their purpose.

An ant walks by. I hate ants. They never travel alone and they have very little respect for my personal space. This one walks across this page as though it is its owner. “I beg your pardon?” I ask the ant as he intrudes upon the pages of my journal.

The ant knows where it is headed. He works hard. I know there are many things from which I can learn as it pertains to ants. But they creep me out and I’d prefer to learn work ethic, responsibility, labor, friendship, community, co-laboring and the like from other sources. He now walks off the edge of my page, (thank you!) and heads down the redwood plank. I know there will be more to come. Ants are not renegades. they know there is more power in numbers and they stick to their created order.

The sun hits my page. My shadow is cast and I see my hand feverishly writing – seeking to capture the entire essence of this experience. I am at a loss.

The sun shines. It is warm, it blankets me with a subtle invitation to comfort. I know the invitation and welcome it. The sun shines. She is light. The sun does not pretend to be dark nor does it shield its light.  The sun in brilliant. She is bold. That is her purpose. If the sun were to cower from her brilliance we would all die. Brilliance, shine, light, standing out, blinding, bold, courageous, unrelenting – these words describe the sun. She knows her place and is unafraid to shine.  her rays give life and her light reveals the shadows of our story with grace, even beauty.  Its a soft quiet invitation to sight. yes, the sun is bright, but it does not shine to shame. it shines to reveal, heal, warm and display. It is a conduit for life, beauty, grace and restoration.  The sun knows her place and it is beautiful.

The redwoods tower. they grow like spires on a castle displaying royalty. They are to be revered! A redwood would never hide its height or stunt its growth to make its neighboring cherry tree feel more comfortable. No! the redwood knows its purpose and its created way. And he grows! He is majestic. He is strength. He is bold. I look up to  see how far he and his friends stretch to the sky and can not see their end. The redwood knows its plance. He knows his role and it is good. It shelters all that grow beneath and it acts as a covering. A covering to all he watches over. He shelters what is below as he reaches towards what is above. He is unmoved. He knows.

The rocks, trees, fern, bugs, sun and all that grows lives its purpose – has a role and does not fight it. They exist in their created way and it is good. It is beauty. It is grace.

We are each made with a purpose. We each have a unique role. We have giftings and ideas that are expressed uniquely. Yet, many of us fight our role. We fight our created way. We wish we could be bigger, smaller, more seen, more hidden. We wish we could sing or speak, play a sport or paint beautiful masterpieces. We fight to be something other.

A bird does not seek to become a horse so it can run. Nor does a deer amputate it’s legs hoping to develop wings to fly. Everything has a purpose. And it is good.

What is your purpose? What is your gift? What is your unique talent, personality quirk or habit? What about your height or weight gives you a unique view or understanding? You were made on purpose, for purpose. Lean into who you are and there you will find what you were meant to be.

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I choose to do what I don’t want to do

I sometimes make choices that I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, right even in the moment of making the choice I clearly know that my actions or decisions are not what is best or what is honoring. I hate that about myself. I know the good I’m to do and don’t or I just choose to do the thing I don’t want to do.

When I was a kid I never really got Paul’s rant in Romans 7. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I would read and re-read this passage and instead of being encouraged by it, I would get confused.

As an adult, I completely understand what Paul was saying. He talked about the internal and external struggle of one who follows after Jesus. He was bringing to light the fact that there are times where he blatantly acts in a way that is against God’s best. He addressed the fact that there are times where he does what he does not want to do.

The moments when I knowingly do what I don’t want to do, kill me. I understand that we all make choices that go against God’s best, but those choices really attack my spirit.

This morning I read out of 1 Timothy 6, But you, person of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

These words reflect the attitude of my heart. If only my actions would match it all the time…..

So today I choose to trust that He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world. I choose to trust that forgiveness is given. I choose to trust I am more than the sum of my choices. I choose to believe that the true attitude of my heart seeks Him and His way. And I will walk to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love endurance and gentleness.

How do you handle the choices you make? What does forgiveness look like in your own life’s journey? Do you hold onto shame more than you hold on to grace?

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Why I can’t find Home just yet

Recently I have had a significant longing for home. I have wanted to find my place. I’ve wanted richer and deeper community. I have wanted to experience life that is full and abundant and I’ve failed miserably.

This unmet longing has pushed me and has kept me thinking that there is something more. Something I’m missing.

I have been reading a book with several people lately. The premise of the book, in so many words, is about finding your heart and living from it. I’ve also started watching a show on TV called Once Upon A Time, at the prompting of a friend. The show’s premise is that there are all of these characters from story books who had a spell cast on them so that they no longer remember who they are. These characters go through life in a memoryless, hopeless existence. A young woman ends up in the town where these once fairytale characters live and she is told that it is her job to help people remember who they were meant to be, that they were meant for more than this.

As I’ve searched for home I’ve realized that this longing is really a longing for Kingdom. I want to live in the Kingdom of Heaven. I want to see love reign and people whole. I long for community that truly is self-sacrificing and that gives out of selflessness. I want the complete Shalom of Jesus to reign… and I will not find that this side of heaven in completion. I long for heaven. I long for Kingdom … my longing and discontentment with place has more to do with the fact that I am feeling alien. I feel like a stranger who doesn’t quite fit. I feel like a once storybook character misplaced, looking for the life that is more than what I’ve been living.

Home.

It is where the heart is. Literally. And my heart is in heaven, my heart is with Jesus. I desire to see His Kingdom come on earth and be a part of seeing Kingdom lived in such a way that glimpses of Kingdom, the aroma of Kingdom, the ideals of Kingdom are being seeing, felt and realized.

Home. I want to be home. I want to make this place like home. I want to work alongside others who also desire to live in a way that the Kingdom of God is made tangible to all those with whom we come in contact.

Take some time to think about what you long for? What is the deeper longing? Find someone to live and dream with and see His Kingdom Come and Will be done on earth! as it is in heaven.

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Spilled drinks and the grace that met me there

The other day I was at Whole Foods with a friend eating lunch. As we sat chatting, my eye caught a young girl spill her drink and her momther’s response caught my attention. The girl was no more than 5 and was trying to put the lid on her soda, when the cup slipped out from under her, spilling the cup and its contents on the floor. Her mom looked at her, “I thought that was going to happen. Now you have to go and apologize for making a mess,” she said with disgust in her voice.  The little girl looked at her mom, eyes expecting comfort and instead she was greeted with a look of embarrassment and annoyance. “Now go, go ask the person at the counter for a mop and apologize for this mess you made.” “Will you go with me?” the young girl asked? “No! It’s your mess, you have to clean it up!” The little girl found a worker who greeted her with warmth and grace. He came to the spill and cleaned it up no problem. All while her mom, apologized for her daughter and made sure he understood that she had forewarned the child about the potential mess that could have occurred.

The incident lasted at most five minutes, but it has stayed with me.

How did accidents and messes become a means for shame and embarrassment? She was a child and her hands don’t do what adult hands can do. She didn’t do something malicious or remotely sinful, but the shame was thick in the exchange.

I realized something as I watched. The mother’s response was not in response to bad behavior, rather it was that she was embarrassed. Her daughter spilling a drink brought shame upon her as she didn’t want others to be inconvenienced, to judge her, or to even notice that an accident had happened. The mom, took ownership of the child’s behavior and because her daughter spilled something, it could potentially not bode well for her.

As I sat reflecting on this experience I was reminded how we make things that are not about us, about us.  I was reminded that we expect perfection from others. I was reminded that acccidents produce shame because we expect perfection. We expect people to be able to handle life without failures, mess ups or woopsie daisies. We expect that of our selves.

Where is there room for grace?

Life is full of mistakes, made not out of malicious intent, but rather, sometimes our hands aren’t able to do the most common task. Sometimes our knowledge isn’t as great as needed. Sometimes our abilities just don’t match the task given. It is in this space where we must receive grace. Grace will meet us in our imperfection and allow us to be the incomplete people we are. Humans were made to be interdependent, we were not made with every gift on purpose. We were made to need each other. We were made to grow and to learn with age…. this is a beautiful thing.

So the next time, you have an accident, make a mistake or see one made around you, give grace. Get out of your seat, pick up a mop and meet the person or yourself with a smile, warmth and give the gift that will take an accident and turn it into beauty, grace, learning and life. You’ll be so so glad you did.

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For my birthday I received a new heart

Tonight I sat in my hot tub again. It seems to a place where I connect with Jesus and people as of late. Bekah and I sat and talked about life, freedom and what it’s like to know the deepest parts of us free of resentment, lies, shame and oppression.

As we talked, I would feel a little nudge to look in a particular part of the sky. Each time, I turned my head and stared at the sky. The stars shown so brightly and the wind, a soft presence reminding me of Holy Spirit and his constant presence, like air we breathe, blew across my face. As I’d face in the direction prompted, I’d look to the sky and within a short period of time I’d see a falling star.

I have a thing for falling stars. They are like a shinny gift from Jesus. A reminder that he loves me and that all of creation sings His glory. Five times I was prompted. Five times I turned. Five times I waited and watched. Five times I was met with a falling star.

The last star was seen just before the clock turned to 12:00, greeting my birthday.

The conversation. The cool breeze. The company. The times praying. The tears. The reminder that God is bigger than those things that kill, steal and destroy and the falling stars were a perfect way to enter into this day.

I am so thankful to have a God who loves me so deeply that He gives me gifts.

This year, not only did Jesus give me shooting stars, He gave me my heart.

If you’ve been reading my blog for the past month you know that I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt lost. I’ve felt as though I had no idea what I wanted out of life and I was broken. In the past week, I was given my heart back.

Ezekial 36:26 says  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

He will give me a new heart, removing from me a heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. This is the gift I was given this year and I am so thankful.

Today, I celebrate my Jesus. He is good and he has invited me into the goodness of the land of the living and I am new.

Amen

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Breathing out… breathing in…

Tonight I’m going to leave you with words from a wise man.

A prayer for you… (personalized psalm 27)

The LORD is your light and your salvation—
whom shall you fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of your life—
of whom shall you be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against you
to devour you,
it is your enemies and your foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege you,
your heart will not fear;
though war break out against you,
even then you will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek, for you
that you may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of your life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep you safe in his dwelling;
he will hide you in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set you high upon a rock.

6 Then your head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround you;
at his sacred tent you will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
You will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear our voices when we calls, LORD;
be merciful to her and answer us.
8 Her heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, She will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from us,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been her helper.
Do not reject us or forsake us,
God your Savior.
10 Though your father and mother forsake you,
the LORD will receive you.
11 Teach us your way, LORD;
lead us in a straight path
because of her oppressors.
12 Do not turn us over to the desire of our foes,
for false witnesses rise up against us,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 Remain confident of this:
YOU will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

 

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Will you please help me?…..

A few years back I was driving home from Christmas in the SF Bay area and about three hours out of town my car broke down. I sat on the side of the road, with a worrisome heart, questions flooded my mind. How much would this cost? Why don’t I have AAA? How will I get home?

I called some friends who are like family and immediately they sprung into action. They hopped in their car, rented a trailer, to tow my car and began the drive. I passed the hours sitting in the Peach Tree Restaurant off the 5 freeway in California. I talked on the phone, recanting the story of the breakdown, looking for solace among friends and family.

I was struck by one phone call. My friend answered, I told the story and his immediate response was, “what can I do about it, I’m 3 hours away?” Funny thing is, I didn’t ask him for help, I just told the story. But his response stuck with me. I can’t help, that’s too much to ask of anyone, was his point. Meanwhile, I had friends who were already on their way whom I had not asked to come to my rescue.

I will never forget their kindness. I will never forget their generosity as they not only took my car away, they gave me their family van to use until my car was fixed. I will never   grow weary of telling that story. I feel loved simply typing the words tonight.

I will also never forget the response of my other friend. He thought like so many of us do.  His response seemed in some ways, expected and normal, but it didn’t make me feel loved or valued in any way. Today i got a call from some friends who had the unfortunate circumstance of their car breaking down. They were about 4 hours out of Denver. I didn’t hesitate at all. The model had been set for me, not only by my friends who hopped in their car to come to my aid, but more importantly, Jesus modeled these things.

If Jesus was worrying about being inconvenienced, he would have never come to earth and most certainly he wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of dying for our salvation. Our need is great and he went a lot further than four hours to meet it. He gave his very life.

We are all in need. Every single one of us. Need was actually crafted into us. We were made for each other, we were made to not be self sufficient. We then failed and our need became so great that only one thing would meet it. And that need was met.

So next time you worry about being needy or the next time someone asks you for help, I encourage you to remember we all have need and be thankful that someone trusts you enough to ask for help.

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